I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
