I haven't been this sober since birth.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
