I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
