I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
