as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Your dad touched me again.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
