I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
