She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
