"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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