I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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