please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
