You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm like, not good at living.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
