walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
