I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
