If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
