What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
