Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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