Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
