I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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