Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
