Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
