I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
