I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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