May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
