I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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