Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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