I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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