my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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