i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
