i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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