last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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