I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
