dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
