Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Randomize
