i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
