it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
