you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You made out with two different species that night
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
