i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
