Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
