he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
