I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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