He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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