Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
