winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
