perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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