If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
false alarm, still single
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
