she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
