I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize