Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
