Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
