I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
