I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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