I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
