Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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