Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
