Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
