Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
