Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
